(written June 26th, 2010)

I honestly don't know if I can think of a more humiliating moment for me in recent history-
Forgetting the words to a song I'm supposed to be leading, then looking to the people around me onstage and getting blank looks in return.
I know I couldn't get off of there fast enough, or leave service that night two weeks ago fast enough.

To say that was a huge blow to the confidence that has been building inside of me these last few months is an understatement.
I wanted to crawl in a hole somewhere and die.
So I did.
I died to myself.

It's not the first time I've ever stumbled while taking the lead in something.
It's not the first time I've felt like a complete fool because I felt like I had screwed up.
It was, however, one of the first times in a long time I've ever stopped caring long enough to do an autopsy-
To examine the heart that had ceased beating so I could figure out what had caused its death in the first place.

Did I like the results?
Not really.
Does anyone really like being faced with the things that are wrong with them?

Part of the process of dying to yourself, though, is learning to turn off the defensive mechanisms we use as protection from allowing ourselves to be changed.
I know, for me, feelings are a huge protective measure - especially strong, negative ones.
It's hard sometimes to examine things in the past because I've attached so many of those things to my feelings and vowed to never let myself feel that way again.

But when I die to myself, those feelings have to die with me.
They have to die so the redemptive and restorative work God is doing in me can continue.
I have to let go of them so what is wrong in me can be made right again.

Not that feelings are invalid- because the opposite is true.
It's just been my experience that the longer I let them rule me, the more they cloud my judgment, and the harder it is for me to allow God to move further into my heart to perfect it.
And, like anything worthwhile in this life, moving to a place where I am able to consistently acknowledge my negative emotions and move past them to the roots is a process-
A necessary process if I want to be the temple God has promised me I am.